The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
they're like a gay fantastic four
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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