Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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