even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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