i was born a porn star she said
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
