i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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