If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
barbara walters just said penis...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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