epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
