my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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