I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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