y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize