pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
