I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
