I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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