I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Randomize
