I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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