So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
