u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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