Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
