When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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