I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
