Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
the raccoons are back...
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