I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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