there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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