A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
