you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
