No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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