if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
