i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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