I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
