In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
