Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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