I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
