Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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