I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
The best revenge is premature balding
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
