she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
