The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
