my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
