I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
