Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
