was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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