it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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