New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
