i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
