just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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