I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Randomize
