don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
