4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
