im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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