That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
