He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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