Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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