im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
