Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I skipped work to stalk him.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
