My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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