your parents love me but you hate me
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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