The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
