after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
