haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We need a shit load of segways right now
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
