I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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