you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
