i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
