I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
