omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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