but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
